In order
to maintain whatever sanity I could find within myself, I tried to divert
attention away from my foster shadow by creating a different identity; one that
would make classmates and friends think that I was ok, normal, fun to be
with. I would also try to fit in with
students who were smart but popular. They had to be smart because I was smart; having
made the honor rolls in Algebra, English and Science in jr. high and high
school….
- Validation Denied, Grace Bestowed:somewhere between the ghetto and God was something called foster care..... p. 26
Vickie was
voted prom queen. She had beauty, brains and was very popular in high
school. Vickie loved people. We became
friends when we worked together one summer at a neighborhood community
center. Vickie was one of the few people
ma and dad allowed me to hang with. So I
hung out wither her hoping to discover her winning formula. I was surprised Vickie let me hang with her
sometimes and she never disrespected me.
The best thing I liked about Vickie was she never viewed me as a foster child. She
simply saw me as a friend or hangin’
buddy…
- Validation Denied, Grace Bestowed:somewhere between the ghetto and God was something called foster care..... p. 30
And then there was Marlene. Marlene had an older
sister, Carolyn, who were both beautiful.
Marlene had a cleft lip but the way she dealt with it was as though it
didn’t exist…and she was hot AND smart!
(No, I’m not gay and I have nothing against sexually unique people*). Their parents - mom was German and dad was African-American
– were good people. You could see their
family pool and chat with them over the fence.
Carolyn and I were about the same age but I adored Marlene even though
she was a few years younger than me.
Carolyn was smart but a little to classy or prissy for me; our
conversations always seemed to be laborious so I’d just keep our conversations
short and to the point; then I’d ask if Marlene was home.
As the saying goes, ‘If it don’t fit, don’t force
it’! We create our own problems when we
try to fit in with folks we know good and well could give a rat’s tail about us.
They give all kinds of warnings or hints that we are not welcomed but we think:
‘if I could just make them understand me’ or ‘maybe
if I lose weight, get a tan, crack jokes about the opposition, lighten my skin
and/or fix my nose, ears, butt, wear a
weave, etc, etc, (I’d experience a special sense of belonging, acceptance and….validation) ’. No, no, no, no!
Celebrate YOURSELF first.
Learn from your mistakes, grow from your limitations WHILE you celebrate your strengths.
You will attract people who 1) respect your parents/family and others you
care about 2) love you 3) enjoy your company 4) respect you 5) tell you the truth but won’t hurt your
spirit 6) won’t allow others to
@%&$! with you 7) won’t allow you
to @#%&$ with others 9)
won’t let you fall and stay there 10) will
support your endeavors if they can, the best way they can.
BTW: “Celebrate”
means to accept your uniqueness or strengths with an unapologetic joy.
My friends accepted me as I was: they didn’t care
that I lived in foster care, they didn’t care about my complexion, hair texture
nor how I was dressed. They were only concerned about my well-being and happiness
(and I made sure to not be a pain in the butt). I always felt a sense of cool through being
smart, honest and confidential. To this
day, people tell me things (sometimes too much info) because they sense that
their secret is safe with me. I am a
fabulous confidante….and that’s one of the coolest things I love about myself
;-)
So, the coolest thing about being cool? A celebration of YOURself.
Teen Task: 1. Give
yourself a chance. 2. Jot down 3 things
YOU feel makes YOU “cool” 3. Take another
look at your circle of friends. Ask
yourself: Do they respect me?(Are we
respectful of one another?) Do they respect my parents, family and those I care
about? Do they respect my feelings and
beliefs? Do they support my personal growth as a student and human being? Do we really have fun together?(without being
loud and destructive?) 4. Discuss
this blog with your parents or with those you feel safe sharing your thoughts.
Fun
Fact:
*I prefer to use "sexually unique" vs. the labels “gay”, “lesbian”,
“queer”, “transgender”, “freak”. Sexually
unique. You saw it first on Qs B-Spot!
Thanks for reading.
- Quelyn, Author of Validation Denied Grace Bestowed
FOR APPEARANCES, BOOK SIGNINGS & TALKS
CONTACT:
Validation Denied Grace
Bestowed is available at
iUniverse.com,
(812)330-2909 or (800) 288-4677
….and bookstores
everywhere!
Copyright©2012 Quelyn Purdie
