No.......Yes!

“It’s not that they don’t want to learn, can’t learn or too trifling to seek a better life for themselves…the problem is, they’ve experienced so much distrust and instability – NO’s - in their lives, they give up; and that’s where the attitude comes from”, I’d argue, on behalf of our troubled teens when I chat especially with members of the public. They think (way too many of you) “won’t amount to anything” as the saying goes.


Recently a co-worker and I had a conversation about why today’s teen seems to ‘have an attitude’. I stated that I used to have an attitude, growing up in foster care, and carried my attitude into college and young adulthood (I will share how I learned how to deal with NO in a few moments). Anyway, I told my co-worker about how my social worker would routinely setup family visits for me and my brother to see my biological mother, NEVER showed up. No matter the reason it was still a big fat NO. “What was I supposed to do with that?” I asked my co-worker, rhetorically.

Now, I’m not talking about the “no’s” your teacher says when you ask to use the restroom (but really just want to get out of class) or when your parents say “no” to your request to go to the party because of a bad report card, or when your friend takes your car keys instead of letting you drive home drunk. And who hasn’t experienced their enemies or hatuhz saying “you can’t” or “you’re just not good enough”? Note: the intention behind a negative response is what makes the difference between encouragement and hurt.

Here’s another real-life example of “no” I experienced as a little girl who lived with her brother and grandmother, in a beautiful Brooklyn brownstone. Even though I truly believe the intent of the “no” was harmless, the delivery still cut like a knife:

        I was upstairs playing when grandma called me downstairs to the kitchen. Daddy was there, looking sad. I knew this time he wasn’t going to say something to make me feel as though I’d be meeting God in person. Daddy gingerly sat me on his lap. I thought what he was about to say had something to do with grandma, but definitely not me. Basically, he said that grandma was ill and could not take care of me anymore and that I would stay with “someone else” until he could come for me. my face looked like a reflection of his, although there were no tears. I guess I was too shocked to be emotional at the time.

I promised to tell you how I deal with no’s now, right? So fast forward to a few decades later, after college and finally returning to New York City as a young adult woman. I attended a rare event in Manhattan. The speaker, a world-renown meditation master, spoke about self-love. As I grew to accept and love myself I was able to forgive my past. I no longer sought validation from others and I learned to say “yes” to MYSELF FIRST. I learned to give myself a chance FIRST. Even today, when I feel let down or I experience a “no” I resolve to keep it movin’. Of course sometimes I felt disappointed but I don’t allow myself to stay in that state of mind. Understand?


So even though my biological mother said “no” to her duties as a parent, my foster family said “yes”. I was given a second chance to grow into a productive woman. No’s have produced the greatest amongst us. The next time someone say’s “no” to you, don’t trip. Really. You don’t need the drama….unless you’re a drama queen…but most of us can go without the habit – no what I mean?

Believe in your own greatness. Give YOURSELF a chance. Your positive energy will not only attract more yes’s you could ever dream of but you will develop the strength to know who you could trust to guide you in the right direction.

Today, I’d love to be able to sit on Daddy’s lap so he could see the YES I’ve become. But I know in spirit, he’s proud of me.

Teen Task: Discuss this blog with your parents or with those you feel safe sharing your thoughts.
Fun Fact: Quelyn is author of memoir, Validation Denied, Grace Bestowed:somewhere between the ghetto and God was something called foster care….

Thank you for reading. ~ Quelyn

Copyright©2011 Quelyn Purdie